How A Global Pandemic taught me to forgive myself as a mother in 4 steps

 Step 1

 When the United States started "Lockdown" I was one month shy of my daughter's 1st birthday I was going to therapy twice a month and dealing with postpartum anxiety and a constant nagging fear in the back of my head that I simply wasn't doing enough.

You know that voice the "you suck" voice, the "you are a terrible mom" voice, the "you aren't enough" voice well mine was on stereo and despite what I thought were my best efforts they simply weren't improving.  

Then the whole world went into lockdown suddenly it wasn't just a matter of me feeling like I wasn't a good enough mom it was a matter of needing to make sure that my family would be okay. That when all this madness was over be it 2 weeks or where are we as I write this a year and counting that we would make it and that my daughter would be happy and enjoy her childhood despite all the madness going on around her. 

I don't know if it was my mother's intuition, instinct, or a lifetime of dealing with drama and having to always be the person to deal with a problem but Suddenly my brain went into auto drive as a "Essential Worker," I say that word lightly because I'm a banker. I am not a doctor, nurse, a grocery worker, or any other industry that makes the world keep spinning during a global pandemic but as I quickly figured out if the banks closed that's when the real panic would start. So I had to go to work every day in fear and a face mask coming home walking into my garage and changing into a robe, washing everything I had worn that day separately from my family and showering before I could hold my baby constantly in fear that I would bring something home.

Step 2

You know that constant Fear I was talking about well imagine you are in the first month of Lockdown let mommy be home and not come find her. I called my doctor trying to get tested and was told no because I didn't have symptoms but rather to simply wait it out for 10 days. I sat in fear worried and paranoid had I brought home something that could kill my husband, my child, my father-in-laws, my mother, or myself? that nagging feeling had returned the one questioning every move i make but what could I do besides sleep in my car which wasn't really an options as I had already been around my family so I walked into my home and hoped for the best. I had thankfully enough groceries and simply did daily temperature checks doing the math backwards on the last time I could have seen the person who might have been patient zero as we had not been told who or when this was a bit like a bad game of clue with no info cards and only a clock as your judge, then 10 days were over. The world kept turning everyone was OK thankfully no one had gotten sick and I went back to work even more no one knows much about what causes Covid and all you wanna do is avoid it and hope no one you know get it then you get the call.  I was told to quarantine because someone I worked with had tested positive, stay home and avoid people if you can because you know my one year old is going to be more cautious than before.

Step 3

Soon after going back I was told that I had been selected to be part of a underwriting program where I be working from home for an undetermined amount of time I was both confused and excited at the prospect of not having to expose myself to Covid and that I would be able to work from home but  what exactly was indeterminate amount of time? How had I been voluntold for this job? What was the work exactly? 

but In the end all I cared about was the fact that  I would get to stay home be with my baby every day, a baby that was now a toddler running, talking a mile a minute, excited and eager to learn new things, trying to run up the hall to mommies office the minute she woke up and terrifying mommy every time she went near the stairs. We spent that summer with my father-in-law watching her while I was upstairs in the office dealing with file after file, conference calls and everything in between I would start working as early as possible and take on as many overtime tasks as I could while still giving myself an opportunity to be with my daughter as much as possible. I changed every diaper, cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner, made snacks, and as soon as i was finished working for the day it was mommy time, playing in the garden, drawing with chalk and bubbles the time was both amazing and informative because it taught me what i was capable of as a mom when no one was watching it also taught me how hard it was to be a mom when no one is watching. As August arrived i was told my time working from home was over and I was being sent back to the office back to working 5 days a week in person with the public still fully in a covid universe but now my worries had less to do with weather or not i was a good enough mom and more to do with not getting sick and keeping my family safe.

Step 4 

 Somewhere between working mom, toddler mom, Covid mom and scared mom I realized I was just mom and that all my fears of not being enough was a sign that I cared that I wanted what was best for my kid and that made me a good mom. To my daughter I was the best thing in the world walking in the front door, to my husband I was the woman he loved who was helping him keep our lives going during all this madness. So who was I not to appreciate that woman for all she was and is capable of, as I sit here writing this post all I can be is Grateful. I'm grateful to my village, my husband, my family and my own fears for forcing me to realize that the perfect mom I was constantly comparing myself too and seeking approval from simply didn't exist. So on behalf of the not so perfect mom I am you are doing a great job.